Greetings from Montreal!

Bonjour!
I've been MIA for a long while, but now I am ready to get back to the blogging world-with a lot of interesting material under my belt, too, I assure you. The move to Montreal was smooth yet tiring. The following weeks after my move were pretty tiring, too, since we had to shop for furniture, unpack boxes as they arrived, settle down, etc. Then the wedding prep craze started, so uhm, yeah, actually now that I think about it, ever since I moved, things have been pretty hectic and exhausting, not to mention I had to finally write those damned journal papers for publishing (no they're not published yet, but I did write them).

Mariachi and I finally got married 13 days ago (July 10, woot woot!) and things have finally calmed down, and I feel very happy and not stressed, almost like everything in my life has come full circle or something, although it's very hard to explain what I feel. I've never been one to obsess about getting married (although I certainly was not against it), but after it's all said and done, I do feel different for some reason, and in a very good way. Maybe more on that later...

I finally gathered the courage to enroll in a yoga studio today, in an attempt to get in shape, because honestly, I find the whole chocolate/bakery/food scene in Montreal irresistible, and up until now I thought I had a strong will...It turns out it wasn't my will so much that stopped me from gaining weight but the OK-but-not-irresistible food. Especially the chocolate here, it tastes so light and heavenly it's dangerous (and addictive), and what better comfort food but a chocolate fondant with molten warm chocolate oozing from chocolate cake crevices onto your plate with every spoon stroke when it's -100000 degrees outside?! I say "gathered the courage" because for some reason I am overly conscious about going to an actual yoga studio here, where the classes are much smaller and personal than the classes I used to take at the YMCA, and the "teachers" are actual yogis who have trained with big shots and been to ashrams in India. I doubt these teachers will step out of the yoga session to teach ass-kicking kick-box where you hit "like you mean it" when they were guiding you through a nice mellow meditation about letting go 5 minutes ago. It will be an interesting experience, and hopefully a belly-shrinking one, too.

I am also working on my French, and started looking for a job, too. So far, Montreal has been so much more than I thought it would be, it's eclectic, modern, and bohemian at the same time. For now, there's no place else I'd rather be, and I guess that's all that matters.

27 days...

I have finally decided that February 22, Sunday, would be a good day for me to fly to Montreal. It's kind of scary how little progress I made on the packing front, but most of my big stuff (furniture) already have new owners. When they get picked up it will be easier for me to get in the mood to move, for now I just feel like I am not going anywhere at all. 27 days is a lot of days to take care of stuff, right? (I hope so!) Honestly, I am feeling pretty weird - weird combination of feelings that get me in the mood to do, well, mostly nothing.

First, there is the "guilt" that comes from actually not doing anything, as in "work" kind of stuff. I am supposedly working on my publications, but that doesn't feel like work (and I'm not getting paid, and I have no one breathing down my neck). I feel like I should be doing something, or going somewhere to get something done. I haven't been able to "relax and take it easy" or "have a break" since I finished the Ph.D., at least mentally, because of this constant nagging feeling that I am not being productive. Hopefully, this feeling will be replaced with relief once I settle in my new town and really start looking for a job. And in the mean time, as a way to calm down the "being productive" urge, I knit...It's a nice way to keep my mind occupied, feel like I am accomplishing something, and, turns out it's a great procrastination tool as well.

I am really looking forward to moving to Montreal, for a number of reasons, but the strongest one is probably the fact that I miss my fiance, whom I will be referring to as "el Mariachi" from now on, because honestly, I find the word "fiance" very pretentious, and impersonal. If I had my way, I'd still call him my boyfriend, but for the purposes of this blog, he shall henceforth be referred to as "el Mariachi" or maybe just "Mariachi"...Or maybe "Mari", since it's shorter and faster to type, but I need to think about that one a bit. After all this is my blog and he's my fiance, and I could call him whatever I want, and why would you care (he might care but I doubt he reads this blog...despite my numerous efforts to make him)? Anyway, the whole reason I mention that I miss Mari...achi, is that I don't wear my emotions on my sleeves like some people do, and I think from the outside it might look like I'm not in a hurry to go be with him, or don't miss him. The truth is I miss him very much, and it's really hard being apart from him, and I am really really looking forward to going there and being with him, but having a hard time expressing it out loud. I have always been a very reserved person, and I consider myself very challenged when it comes to expressing emotions. I feel awkward when I hear people say "you should go be with him...don't you miss him?", and because I feel awkward, my "yes of course I miss him" comes out as being not very convincing. So yeah, apart from the guilt of "not doing anything", I have this excitement that grows each day that I get closer to my tentative "moving" day, if anyone really needs to know (mom? are you reading???). I am also excited that I am moving to a bigger city, with a totally different culture and language. It is definitely time to move on if you feel like you have taken all that you can from one place, and feel you're getting dumber and wasting your time by staying planted there.

And third, I admit I feel very tired...I've been mentally very tired for some time now, but I also feel physically tired, and emptying/packing a whole apartment seems like a daunting task. This is the one and only reason I am not rushing to pack and move. And that gives me a little bit more time with my friends here.

Oi!

It seems that my avatar has gone bonkers, and all my attempts to fix it have been in vain. Until I find a way to fix it, you'll have to bear with my cat-loving, high-on-speed avatar who apparently is about to be kidnapped by pirates...*sigh*

Renaissance

Just another cold autumn night
Sitting here by the window, without you
Wishing you were here
Yet another time...

I was the feral cat
The wild mare
The bird desperately trying to flap away
With forever broken wings
Cool and collected
Independent...disconnected?
Self-sufficient...poser?

I died a thousand deaths before
Silent...cold...alone
Glad...
The same hands that stabbed me in the back
Buried me to never see the light again...
I existed, only through the veil of my fears.

Your lips were my renaissance
Vibrant colors that pierced through my monochrome
Music that heralded the coming of spring
You were my April that came in the middle of winter
Unexpected, fresh, and welcome
Full of life and warmth
Tender
You dug this shattered soul out
Fragile, like an ancient piece of china
And made it whole again.
Oh, but you are so wise,
You taught this little girl
It's alright to be loved and held again...
And to belong...

It was about time...
I am coming out to play.

© 2009 by Pinar

Change is good, eh?

I've been in sort of a denial about what's going on (or maybe I should say coming up) in my life, but I cannot run from it anymore, as I got a call from my landlord today asking if tomorrow noon was a good time to show my apartment to a prospective renter (whom I hope does not like to cook or daylight, given the fact that my kitchen is tiny and the apartment is dark like a cave most of the day. I think someone with vampirical (is that even a word?) tendencies would be the best candidate, but I digress...) I'm moving to Montreal, CA, in about a month, to be with my fiance, where he has a job, and I...don't. Hopefully that will be resolved once I stop this denial thing, and get my bum over there, and actually start looking. But for now, I am stuck in this vicious cycle of "purging" my belongings, which mostly goes like this: Take something out of the cupboard, bookshelf, wardrobe...Look at it lovingly, caress it, think about how much I like it (even though I had no clue it existed until that very moment), try to decide whether it goes in the "recycle", "trash", or "donate" pile, then decide it's a keeper. So in reality, I am not purging as much as I am making piles of "keepers", which sort of creates areas of walking hazard all over the apartment, because I tend to trip over things very frequently. (Ask my fiance if you don't believe me. It's a miracle I haven't tripped over the internet cable that goes from the living room to the bedroom yet. But that can change...Just you wait.)

Unfortunately, the whole tripping thing poses a big threat, as my right foot ankle is already messed up from too many traumas in the past (not tripping related), and my health insurance just expired, and I haven't renewed it because I am here for just another month or so. I know that is dumb, but it was either renew it for at least 5 more months, or call them to figure out how to do it for just a month. Given the fact that they barely pay for anything that could happen here in the U.S., I doubt they would pay for anything that could happen in Canada, so renewing for 5 months was even dumber if you ask me. Anyhow, I am just keeping my fingers crossed that I won't have any "accidents" in the few more weeks that I am here, and also hoping that the pain I am currently experiencing with my big toe and constant dizziness will all go away on their own.

A lot of things happened during the period I was not blogging. I "defended" my dissertation, and finally became a Ph.D. I got engaged on Thanksgiving night 2008. And now I am moving to Montreal. I must admit that I am pretty excited, except a little sad because I have to leave so many friends behind (and the aforementioned "keepers"...There's just no way I can take everything with me. Or so I keep telling myself.)

I have decided to clean the blog up a little bit, mostly get rid of the political stuff. Given my frustration with how things are in general, I think this change will be good for me. I've always liked "beginnings" (frankly, I don't understand why we say "new beginnings", because there can't be an "old beginning" can there???), so I hope this one, like the ones before, will give me a chance to meet new people, and equip me with better tools to deal with this thing called life (because changes do that). But honestly, above everything else, I look forward to being united with my fiance again, and starting a new life together from scratch. How cool is that?

Masters of the Universe

Every month for the past few months, I've been looking forward to picking up my copy of Skirt magazine at my local coffee shop. It's free, and so much fun to read, and it's newly being published/distributed in my neck of the woods. I love how the "theme" this month is all about "letting go of happy endings and living the imperfect life", taking things as they come, enjoying each day...On the cover, there is a quote by Larry Eisenberg that goes: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe". I love that quote, as it sums up how I've been trying to live the past couple of years, the important part in this sentence being "trying".

About 3.5 years ago, I had an eye-opening experience-I sort of got dumped (I say sort of, because I actually did the "dumping" part, but was a miserable mess afterwards for a very long time. Although this person would not dump me, he left me no other choice, because he wanted to have his cake and eat it, too, and no matter how painful the whole break-up was, I could not live with myself if I chose to "stay". So dumping was my only choice although it wasn't so much the way I wanted things to be.) It was "eye-opening" to say the least because that whole process of being dumped, being miserable, and "healing" changed the way I see things in life (and not just about relationships), probably forever. There is some truth to that old saying that goes "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". The biggest thing I've learned from that break-up is the fact that we can never control other people---nor should we ever attempt to. The other thing is that no one and nothing has an obligation to fulfill our needs and wants (as one of my friends told me, and it took me some time to grasp that). I realized that by setting "expectations" for others to "fulfill", I was setting myself up for disappointment big time. Trying to be in control of things that I really had no control over seemed to be driving me crazy and tiring me out, and really frustrating the people on the other end...Then I let go... I made a conscious decision to take things as they come, love everyone as they are without trying to change them, and live my life a little more "imperfectly", embracing the bumps and hardships on the way, instead of thinking "this isn't supposed to happen to me, I'm a good person, I care too much and in return I deserve good things in life". I stopped trying to be a "people-pleaser" at the expense of my own energy to some degree. And lo-and-behold, I started "enjoying" myself again, actually a lot more than before. I was "alone" but really happy. That period of my life was probably the period I decided how I wanted things to be in my life and took control of the things I really could control:me and myself. I ate healthy, I exercised regularly, I went out, laughed, flirted, dated, and did a few things that now I look back and think "what the hell was I thinking???". But without any doubt, to me, those days were the best time of my life. Looking back, for my own personal growth, and for me to stop "trying to be the general manager of the universe", and also to get over the "silly young girl" phase, I needed that heartache and the whole mess that I got myself into then. It helped me mature, get my priorities straight, understand that I am the only one I am in charge of controlling. And just as I thought I was mastering the whole "cool single chick" thing and loving it, the love of my life showed up (but I wouldn't know that for a while because I was just "enjoying" myself too much at the time, and didn't think I wanted to be in a relationship)...Life is funny like that sometimes...

Clean off your plate! :)

Well, this article I saw in the NY Times the other day really made me sad. With the economy being what it is right now, and the prices for everything increasing like mad (I think grocery prices rose something like 2.9% within the last couple of months), it's impossible to read something like this, and not think "what the heck are we doing???"...

Last semester when I was teaching, my students had to break into groups and evaluate different services/places on campus, and come up with suggestions for what could be done to make things better. One group was assigned to "cafeteria services"...Apart from the usual complaints that cafeteria staff "hated students" and "had attitude problems" as they put it, the biggest observation they made was the amount of food that was wasted every day, both by students from their plates, and at the end of the day when the cafeteria was closed. They suggested that all the uneaten food should be packed and sent to a shelter or food bank at the end of the day. I know the cafeteria is doing something about reducing food wastage right now-like limiting the amount of food students can put on their trays, but allowing them a second entrance if they're still hungry. I'm not sure what happens to the food left over at the end of the day.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this article...And I loved that paragraph where "someone" commented on India's growing "middle class" food need. Hey wait, thanks to him, we have no idea what middle class is here anymore! Tsk tsk...