27 days...

I have finally decided that February 22, Sunday, would be a good day for me to fly to Montreal. It's kind of scary how little progress I made on the packing front, but most of my big stuff (furniture) already have new owners. When they get picked up it will be easier for me to get in the mood to move, for now I just feel like I am not going anywhere at all. 27 days is a lot of days to take care of stuff, right? (I hope so!) Honestly, I am feeling pretty weird - weird combination of feelings that get me in the mood to do, well, mostly nothing.

First, there is the "guilt" that comes from actually not doing anything, as in "work" kind of stuff. I am supposedly working on my publications, but that doesn't feel like work (and I'm not getting paid, and I have no one breathing down my neck). I feel like I should be doing something, or going somewhere to get something done. I haven't been able to "relax and take it easy" or "have a break" since I finished the Ph.D., at least mentally, because of this constant nagging feeling that I am not being productive. Hopefully, this feeling will be replaced with relief once I settle in my new town and really start looking for a job. And in the mean time, as a way to calm down the "being productive" urge, I knit...It's a nice way to keep my mind occupied, feel like I am accomplishing something, and, turns out it's a great procrastination tool as well.

I am really looking forward to moving to Montreal, for a number of reasons, but the strongest one is probably the fact that I miss my fiance, whom I will be referring to as "el Mariachi" from now on, because honestly, I find the word "fiance" very pretentious, and impersonal. If I had my way, I'd still call him my boyfriend, but for the purposes of this blog, he shall henceforth be referred to as "el Mariachi" or maybe just "Mariachi"...Or maybe "Mari", since it's shorter and faster to type, but I need to think about that one a bit. After all this is my blog and he's my fiance, and I could call him whatever I want, and why would you care (he might care but I doubt he reads this blog...despite my numerous efforts to make him)? Anyway, the whole reason I mention that I miss Mari...achi, is that I don't wear my emotions on my sleeves like some people do, and I think from the outside it might look like I'm not in a hurry to go be with him, or don't miss him. The truth is I miss him very much, and it's really hard being apart from him, and I am really really looking forward to going there and being with him, but having a hard time expressing it out loud. I have always been a very reserved person, and I consider myself very challenged when it comes to expressing emotions. I feel awkward when I hear people say "you should go be with him...don't you miss him?", and because I feel awkward, my "yes of course I miss him" comes out as being not very convincing. So yeah, apart from the guilt of "not doing anything", I have this excitement that grows each day that I get closer to my tentative "moving" day, if anyone really needs to know (mom? are you reading???). I am also excited that I am moving to a bigger city, with a totally different culture and language. It is definitely time to move on if you feel like you have taken all that you can from one place, and feel you're getting dumber and wasting your time by staying planted there.

And third, I admit I feel very tired...I've been mentally very tired for some time now, but I also feel physically tired, and emptying/packing a whole apartment seems like a daunting task. This is the one and only reason I am not rushing to pack and move. And that gives me a little bit more time with my friends here.

Oi!

It seems that my avatar has gone bonkers, and all my attempts to fix it have been in vain. Until I find a way to fix it, you'll have to bear with my cat-loving, high-on-speed avatar who apparently is about to be kidnapped by pirates...*sigh*

Renaissance

Just another cold autumn night
Sitting here by the window, without you
Wishing you were here
Yet another time...

I was the feral cat
The wild mare
The bird desperately trying to flap away
With forever broken wings
Cool and collected
Independent...disconnected?
Self-sufficient...poser?

I died a thousand deaths before
Silent...cold...alone
Glad...
The same hands that stabbed me in the back
Buried me to never see the light again...
I existed, only through the veil of my fears.

Your lips were my renaissance
Vibrant colors that pierced through my monochrome
Music that heralded the coming of spring
You were my April that came in the middle of winter
Unexpected, fresh, and welcome
Full of life and warmth
Tender
You dug this shattered soul out
Fragile, like an ancient piece of china
And made it whole again.
Oh, but you are so wise,
You taught this little girl
It's alright to be loved and held again...
And to belong...

It was about time...
I am coming out to play.

© 2009 by Pinar

Change is good, eh?

I've been in sort of a denial about what's going on (or maybe I should say coming up) in my life, but I cannot run from it anymore, as I got a call from my landlord today asking if tomorrow noon was a good time to show my apartment to a prospective renter (whom I hope does not like to cook or daylight, given the fact that my kitchen is tiny and the apartment is dark like a cave most of the day. I think someone with vampirical (is that even a word?) tendencies would be the best candidate, but I digress...) I'm moving to Montreal, CA, in about a month, to be with my fiance, where he has a job, and I...don't. Hopefully that will be resolved once I stop this denial thing, and get my bum over there, and actually start looking. But for now, I am stuck in this vicious cycle of "purging" my belongings, which mostly goes like this: Take something out of the cupboard, bookshelf, wardrobe...Look at it lovingly, caress it, think about how much I like it (even though I had no clue it existed until that very moment), try to decide whether it goes in the "recycle", "trash", or "donate" pile, then decide it's a keeper. So in reality, I am not purging as much as I am making piles of "keepers", which sort of creates areas of walking hazard all over the apartment, because I tend to trip over things very frequently. (Ask my fiance if you don't believe me. It's a miracle I haven't tripped over the internet cable that goes from the living room to the bedroom yet. But that can change...Just you wait.)

Unfortunately, the whole tripping thing poses a big threat, as my right foot ankle is already messed up from too many traumas in the past (not tripping related), and my health insurance just expired, and I haven't renewed it because I am here for just another month or so. I know that is dumb, but it was either renew it for at least 5 more months, or call them to figure out how to do it for just a month. Given the fact that they barely pay for anything that could happen here in the U.S., I doubt they would pay for anything that could happen in Canada, so renewing for 5 months was even dumber if you ask me. Anyhow, I am just keeping my fingers crossed that I won't have any "accidents" in the few more weeks that I am here, and also hoping that the pain I am currently experiencing with my big toe and constant dizziness will all go away on their own.

A lot of things happened during the period I was not blogging. I "defended" my dissertation, and finally became a Ph.D. I got engaged on Thanksgiving night 2008. And now I am moving to Montreal. I must admit that I am pretty excited, except a little sad because I have to leave so many friends behind (and the aforementioned "keepers"...There's just no way I can take everything with me. Or so I keep telling myself.)

I have decided to clean the blog up a little bit, mostly get rid of the political stuff. Given my frustration with how things are in general, I think this change will be good for me. I've always liked "beginnings" (frankly, I don't understand why we say "new beginnings", because there can't be an "old beginning" can there???), so I hope this one, like the ones before, will give me a chance to meet new people, and equip me with better tools to deal with this thing called life (because changes do that). But honestly, above everything else, I look forward to being united with my fiance again, and starting a new life together from scratch. How cool is that?