27 days...

I have finally decided that February 22, Sunday, would be a good day for me to fly to Montreal. It's kind of scary how little progress I made on the packing front, but most of my big stuff (furniture) already have new owners. When they get picked up it will be easier for me to get in the mood to move, for now I just feel like I am not going anywhere at all. 27 days is a lot of days to take care of stuff, right? (I hope so!) Honestly, I am feeling pretty weird - weird combination of feelings that get me in the mood to do, well, mostly nothing.

First, there is the "guilt" that comes from actually not doing anything, as in "work" kind of stuff. I am supposedly working on my publications, but that doesn't feel like work (and I'm not getting paid, and I have no one breathing down my neck). I feel like I should be doing something, or going somewhere to get something done. I haven't been able to "relax and take it easy" or "have a break" since I finished the Ph.D., at least mentally, because of this constant nagging feeling that I am not being productive. Hopefully, this feeling will be replaced with relief once I settle in my new town and really start looking for a job. And in the mean time, as a way to calm down the "being productive" urge, I knit...It's a nice way to keep my mind occupied, feel like I am accomplishing something, and, turns out it's a great procrastination tool as well.

I am really looking forward to moving to Montreal, for a number of reasons, but the strongest one is probably the fact that I miss my fiance, whom I will be referring to as "el Mariachi" from now on, because honestly, I find the word "fiance" very pretentious, and impersonal. If I had my way, I'd still call him my boyfriend, but for the purposes of this blog, he shall henceforth be referred to as "el Mariachi" or maybe just "Mariachi"...Or maybe "Mari", since it's shorter and faster to type, but I need to think about that one a bit. After all this is my blog and he's my fiance, and I could call him whatever I want, and why would you care (he might care but I doubt he reads this blog...despite my numerous efforts to make him)? Anyway, the whole reason I mention that I miss Mari...achi, is that I don't wear my emotions on my sleeves like some people do, and I think from the outside it might look like I'm not in a hurry to go be with him, or don't miss him. The truth is I miss him very much, and it's really hard being apart from him, and I am really really looking forward to going there and being with him, but having a hard time expressing it out loud. I have always been a very reserved person, and I consider myself very challenged when it comes to expressing emotions. I feel awkward when I hear people say "you should go be with him...don't you miss him?", and because I feel awkward, my "yes of course I miss him" comes out as being not very convincing. So yeah, apart from the guilt of "not doing anything", I have this excitement that grows each day that I get closer to my tentative "moving" day, if anyone really needs to know (mom? are you reading???). I am also excited that I am moving to a bigger city, with a totally different culture and language. It is definitely time to move on if you feel like you have taken all that you can from one place, and feel you're getting dumber and wasting your time by staying planted there.

And third, I admit I feel very tired...I've been mentally very tired for some time now, but I also feel physically tired, and emptying/packing a whole apartment seems like a daunting task. This is the one and only reason I am not rushing to pack and move. And that gives me a little bit more time with my friends here.